I fight back......sort of!

The camouflage was slightly too bulky to use day to day & so was quickly disposed of (I must admit I did use it for a couple of days.....mainly out of sheer laziness!). A busy social schedule meant a rest for the mean machine & a return to using the train & tube combo again! This meant early mornings & late nights but no battles with small furry adversaries, so all was well! Things plodded along at a steady pace & my life started to resemble some sort of normality. Sleep returned to normal, no more waking up in a cold sweat, dreaming of giant mutant squirrels chasing me on my scooter that seemed to be going backwards rather than forwards! I was enjoying myself again, but all along I was conscious of the lack of use my scooter was getting. So I hatched a plan (of sorts)! I would wage my own war & bring in re-enforcements!


I needed to go somewhere where I knew the furry little critters would be taken off guard, somewhere other than Richmond Park as the ninja squirrels that resided there where, by far, superior to me! So I decided to deliver a low blow by going for friends & family of the afore mentioned animals & headed with my brother to an ideal spot.......the local golf course! This location was ideal, acres of rolling green, trees & bushes as far as you can see & virtually no one around. There was no where more perfect for these masters of woodland warfare to relax & bring up their young! Now I know going after the families of my adversaries is a low blow but I was not trying to get them, I just picked this place because I knew how truly awful my brother & I were at golf & if we took a few 'squirrels in training' out at the same time then it would make the 5 hours we spent attempting to hit small white balls into ridiculous holes that much more satisfying! So we got suited up, & armed with an arsenal of ammunition & various sized firing tools (which, in our hands, turned into very dangerous weapons) we set off for a spot of squirrel baiting......I mean golf!



We reached our destination after a short journey, barely talking due to the anticipation & headed for the club house. We paid our way & entered the arena! The first hole was short, a par 3 downhill over what looked like a lake (on reflection I think it was a puddle from the rain that had gone before but to us it looked huge). If any of you are keen golfers then you will know that it is imperative that you start the first hole solidly or the round can spiral out of control! With this in mind I made my brother go first....what can I say, I'm a wimp! And anyway, my aim was reconnaissance on squirrel behaviour, not my golf! There was no sign of any woodland life but this was not surprising as we were next to the clubhouse. At this point I just want to go off at a tangent & make an observation regarding golf! Can anyone tell me why there is always a congregation of pro golfers hanging around the clubhouse where invariably the first hole is situated? This makes that first hole ten times harder for the golf-impaired like me & is not fair! Anyway, I digress, my brother stepped up to the tee & hit a pretty good shot to land the ball on the far side of the green. Now it was my turn, the pressure was on, I was aware that the chatter that had been going on over by the clubhouse had stopped & there was an eerie stillness in the air. I took hold of my weapon of choice & stepped up to the mound, took aim, swung the club back & BAM! A small ripple of laughter could be heard from behind me, I had managed to slice the ball about 3 feet to my right & dented the sign which said "Hole 1"! This was not a good start!



So the first few holes deteriorated into chaos with both my brother & I peppering the surrounding trees & bushes with live ammunition. Of course, this was our plan, laying down a few rounds of blanket fire to "flush" them out into the open. On the fourth hole we saw our first furry target, my brother had just hit a superb shot into a large tree (trying to find their hiding place, obviously) & this seemed to do the trick! Suddenly, 2 of the little infantry ran across the fairway, just as they got to the other side the last one stopped & looked back at us with a fear in its eyes! We had them running scared & had obviously caught them off guard! Over the next 5 or 6 holes our aim got better & better, we were now hitting most of our ammunition directly into potential hiding places, trees, bushes, the bunkers (they could have been burying themselves ready for ambush!) even the water was not safe for them any more! We had them on the run & were not going to relent,....this was war after all! We were doing our best to shock the fur balls & taking some of their habit down with it! Branches were felled with a single, well aimed shot, bushes were "ruffed up" by the swinging of our golf clubs. Even with the progress we were making we had still not hit a mortal blow to the clan & I was aware that if we didn't make our dominance count there could be serious repercussions!



We had to wait until the 17th hole until we had our chance! As we made the long walk over to the battlefield I could see a number of small shapes frolicking on the green, was this the moment I had been waiting for? We crept as quietly as one can with a large bag of metal clubs on your back to the tee & set up our heavy artillery! The hole was a 250 yard par 4 & this meant only one thing......the driver was out!! We realised that as soon as the first person hit a ball in the oppositions direction then the chance would be over so we decided to use tactics (obviously this was a pyschic thing as no words were spoken, but brothers have this bond!). My brother, my general, would go first & hit the ball to the right of the target, this was the side with all the cover on it & would push them out into the open more, ready for me to step up & take the glory! My comrade placed his tee & took aim, with an almighty swing of the club he hit the ball as sweetly as either of us had that day. The ball landed in exactly the right place, in between our foes & the cover! Panic rained down on the green & the squirrels were at sixes & sevens! Their ranks had been broken & they were there for the taking, now was my best chance! With a focus that I had not had before I quickly stepped up to the tee & swung with all my might. The ball started off heading for the right hand side, the opposite side to were the squirrels were! This was not good, we both stood with our mouths open, willing the ball to turn left! Now I'm not a god fairing man but what I saw next made me wonder! The ball, in midair, made an almost 90 degree turn to head straight into the group of frightened foes. It seemed to take an age for the projectile to start to dip towards its intended target but when it did it seemed to speed up to unbelievable speeds, it was gonna hit! The squirrels had no chance to run, the ball hit right in the centre of their group & they were blasted in every different direction as if one of them had stepped on a land mine.....a direct hit! We picked up our 'utility' bags & ran as fast as we could to see what effect our unbelievable shots had had! As we neared the green we were expecting to see wounded squirrels being carried off by there comrades, (I am not a sick human being but I had been tormented by these creatures for so long now that I feel I may have gone slightly mad!), but instead of a scene of carnage the only evidence we could find of the goings on of the last 10 mins was large amount of grey hair gathered around a small crater where my ball had made impact! I had made the statement I had wanted to & felt good that it had not come at a high price! This triumph, you may think, would act positively on our golf,....however we are just not that good & manged to take a further 30 mins to complete the last 2 holes, but we didn't care!



We left the course with a renewed spring our step, we had layed down our gauntlet & made an impression on the squirrel world! I looked back as our transport slowly trundled away & sitting silhouetted against the setting sun was that unmistakable shape, just watching us leave! We had won this battle & evened the score slightly but had I opened a new can of worms?!