So I had fought back & was experiencing a strange mixture of feelings, elation at standing up for myself, trepidation for what I may have started & down right fear......at the thought I might have made them angry!! I had hit below the belt, (mainly because I was so out numbered in the park), but this was no excuse! I was no better than one of those kids at school who, because they were not big enough to stand up to kids their age, decided to take their anger out on the smallest, scrawniest kid in the play ground. Now, I know how this feels as I was said scrawny kid when I was at school, I frequently was subjected to the 'atomic wedgie from hell', or given several dead arms at lunch, or (& this seemed to be their favourite & kept for when I answered back) they would just put me inside one of those giant silver dustbins you find in school yards. Due to my size I was unable to climb out & the wedgie I had already received would ensure my legs did not work the way they should! Ahh school.....good days!!
I knew that depravity of what I had done had not gone unnoticed by the evil little critters & so waited for them to make their move!
In every war there are casualties on both sides, this is inevitable but there are also a number of innocent's that get caught up in the cross fire & it is these poor bystanders that make wars even more atrocious than they already are! I admit I had bought my brother into the fray & he did not even realise he was now a 'player' in my daily chess battle, but had he know, I like to think he would have been there standing side by side with me fighting for our freedom. This is, after all what families are meant to do, no matter what, through thick & thin they stick together, for if we didn't have family were would we be? I am lucky, in that I have a number of best friends (you know who you are), who stick by me when I'm talking absolute piffle in the pub on a Friday evening or when I'm just a miserable old git at work, they lend an ear when I need it & a hand when I fall over! I think of them as part of my family but, despite this, I don't think it is fair to bring these saints into my petty battles when they have nothing to do with our problems! This is exactly what happened next with one of my best friends who I will refer to as merely 'Welsh'! Here is her story,.....she is played by an actress to protect her!
"So I was back in training for the new rugby season & so was trying to run home from work as often as possible. Its not a bad run, along the river to Putney Bridge & then back towards home, & on a bright sunny day with the sun beating down on me I look forward to the fresh air! This particular day it had been sunny all day & looked like carrying on into the evening. After work some of us had decided we would go for a coffee as we are partial to doing every now & again. We had a bit of playful banter & 'Scooter Boy' recounted some of his recent escapades, we finished our respective beverages & headed off for home. I left the group & started my usual run home, heading down to the river then turning to run along it to Putney. I was about 10 mins into it when out of nowhere a small furry thing flew at me from a tree above, I just about managed to duck before it hit me in the face! As this had thrown me off balance I had made a kind of stumble along the pavement like Phoebe from friends. I looked around to see if anyone had seen & could not see anyone so I thought I had got away with it, then, from behind me I heard a cough & the most gorgeous, perfect specimen of a man ran past me. Bollocks, I thought, he was lovely!!"
Because of her ordeal, Welsh has not run that route again! She is still reeling that she was made to look a fool of in front of such an amazing Adonis who she could have slyly ran along side & started a conversation, had she not been viciously attacked by a hairy assassin! She was an innocent bystander who did not deserve this traumatic experience & all I can say is sorry to her for bringing this upon her! I opened a can of worms by attacking the families of these satanic vermin & this I feel is the reason Welsh was attacked! I never meant for her to bought into my arguments & will stop at nothing to avenge her!
So if your reading this squirrel, you may think that this latest attack will dishearten me, to make me think twice about fighting back in the future, to even make me scared of you,....but you would be wrong! This has not only fired me up even more to fight back for my freedom but has also bought another player onto the battle field, one who is a formidable foe, one who knows no fear & thrives on confrontation & together we will be victorious!!
Wednesday 10 October 2007
Sunday 7 October 2007
I fight back......sort of!
The camouflage was slightly too bulky to use day to day & so was quickly disposed of (I must admit I did use it for a couple of days.....mainly out of sheer laziness!). A busy social schedule meant a rest for the mean machine & a return to using the train & tube combo again! This meant early mornings & late nights but no battles with small furry adversaries, so all was well! Things plodded along at a steady pace & my life started to resemble some sort of normality. Sleep returned to normal, no more waking up in a cold sweat, dreaming of giant mutant squirrels chasing me on my scooter that seemed to be going backwards rather than forwards! I was enjoying myself again, but all along I was conscious of the lack of use my scooter was getting. So I hatched a plan (of sorts)! I would wage my own war & bring in re-enforcements!
I needed to go somewhere where I knew the furry little critters would be taken off guard, somewhere other than Richmond Park as the ninja squirrels that resided there where, by far, superior to me! So I decided to deliver a low blow by going for friends & family of the afore mentioned animals & headed with my brother to an ideal spot.......the local golf course! This location was ideal, acres of rolling green, trees & bushes as far as you can see & virtually no one around. There was no where more perfect for these masters of woodland warfare to relax & bring up their young! Now I know going after the families of my adversaries is a low blow but I was not trying to get them, I just picked this place because I knew how truly awful my brother & I were at golf & if we took a few 'squirrels in training' out at the same time then it would make the 5 hours we spent attempting to hit small white balls into ridiculous holes that much more satisfying! So we got suited up, & armed with an arsenal of ammunition & various sized firing tools (which, in our hands, turned into very dangerous weapons) we set off for a spot of squirrel baiting......I mean golf!
We reached our destination after a short journey, barely talking due to the anticipation & headed for the club house. We paid our way & entered the arena! The first hole was short, a par 3 downhill over what looked like a lake (on reflection I think it was a puddle from the rain that had gone before but to us it looked huge). If any of you are keen golfers then you will know that it is imperative that you start the first hole solidly or the round can spiral out of control! With this in mind I made my brother go first....what can I say, I'm a wimp! And anyway, my aim was reconnaissance on squirrel behaviour, not my golf! There was no sign of any woodland life but this was not surprising as we were next to the clubhouse. At this point I just want to go off at a tangent & make an observation regarding golf! Can anyone tell me why there is always a congregation of pro golfers hanging around the clubhouse where invariably the first hole is situated? This makes that first hole ten times harder for the golf-impaired like me & is not fair! Anyway, I digress, my brother stepped up to the tee & hit a pretty good shot to land the ball on the far side of the green. Now it was my turn, the pressure was on, I was aware that the chatter that had been going on over by the clubhouse had stopped & there was an eerie stillness in the air. I took hold of my weapon of choice & stepped up to the mound, took aim, swung the club back & BAM! A small ripple of laughter could be heard from behind me, I had managed to slice the ball about 3 feet to my right & dented the sign which said "Hole 1"! This was not a good start!
So the first few holes deteriorated into chaos with both my brother & I peppering the surrounding trees & bushes with live ammunition. Of course, this was our plan, laying down a few rounds of blanket fire to "flush" them out into the open. On the fourth hole we saw our first furry target, my brother had just hit a superb shot into a large tree (trying to find their hiding place, obviously) & this seemed to do the trick! Suddenly, 2 of the little infantry ran across the fairway, just as they got to the other side the last one stopped & looked back at us with a fear in its eyes! We had them running scared & had obviously caught them off guard! Over the next 5 or 6 holes our aim got better & better, we were now hitting most of our ammunition directly into potential hiding places, trees, bushes, the bunkers (they could have been burying themselves ready for ambush!) even the water was not safe for them any more! We had them on the run & were not going to relent,....this was war after all! We were doing our best to shock the fur balls & taking some of their habit down with it! Branches were felled with a single, well aimed shot, bushes were "ruffed up" by the swinging of our golf clubs. Even with the progress we were making we had still not hit a mortal blow to the clan & I was aware that if we didn't make our dominance count there could be serious repercussions!
We had to wait until the 17th hole until we had our chance! As we made the long walk over to the battlefield I could see a number of small shapes frolicking on the green, was this the moment I had been waiting for? We crept as quietly as one can with a large bag of metal clubs on your back to the tee & set up our heavy artillery! The hole was a 250 yard par 4 & this meant only one thing......the driver was out!! We realised that as soon as the first person hit a ball in the oppositions direction then the chance would be over so we decided to use tactics (obviously this was a pyschic thing as no words were spoken, but brothers have this bond!). My brother, my general, would go first & hit the ball to the right of the target, this was the side with all the cover on it & would push them out into the open more, ready for me to step up & take the glory! My comrade placed his tee & took aim, with an almighty swing of the club he hit the ball as sweetly as either of us had that day. The ball landed in exactly the right place, in between our foes & the cover! Panic rained down on the green & the squirrels were at sixes & sevens! Their ranks had been broken & they were there for the taking, now was my best chance! With a focus that I had not had before I quickly stepped up to the tee & swung with all my might. The ball started off heading for the right hand side, the opposite side to were the squirrels were! This was not good, we both stood with our mouths open, willing the ball to turn left! Now I'm not a god fairing man but what I saw next made me wonder! The ball, in midair, made an almost 90 degree turn to head straight into the group of frightened foes. It seemed to take an age for the projectile to start to dip towards its intended target but when it did it seemed to speed up to unbelievable speeds, it was gonna hit! The squirrels had no chance to run, the ball hit right in the centre of their group & they were blasted in every different direction as if one of them had stepped on a land mine.....a direct hit! We picked up our 'utility' bags & ran as fast as we could to see what effect our unbelievable shots had had! As we neared the green we were expecting to see wounded squirrels being carried off by there comrades, (I am not a sick human being but I had been tormented by these creatures for so long now that I feel I may have gone slightly mad!), but instead of a scene of carnage the only evidence we could find of the goings on of the last 10 mins was large amount of grey hair gathered around a small crater where my ball had made impact! I had made the statement I had wanted to & felt good that it had not come at a high price! This triumph, you may think, would act positively on our golf,....however we are just not that good & manged to take a further 30 mins to complete the last 2 holes, but we didn't care!
We left the course with a renewed spring our step, we had layed down our gauntlet & made an impression on the squirrel world! I looked back as our transport slowly trundled away & sitting silhouetted against the setting sun was that unmistakable shape, just watching us leave! We had won this battle & evened the score slightly but had I opened a new can of worms?!
I needed to go somewhere where I knew the furry little critters would be taken off guard, somewhere other than Richmond Park as the ninja squirrels that resided there where, by far, superior to me! So I decided to deliver a low blow by going for friends & family of the afore mentioned animals & headed with my brother to an ideal spot.......the local golf course! This location was ideal, acres of rolling green, trees & bushes as far as you can see & virtually no one around. There was no where more perfect for these masters of woodland warfare to relax & bring up their young! Now I know going after the families of my adversaries is a low blow but I was not trying to get them, I just picked this place because I knew how truly awful my brother & I were at golf & if we took a few 'squirrels in training' out at the same time then it would make the 5 hours we spent attempting to hit small white balls into ridiculous holes that much more satisfying! So we got suited up, & armed with an arsenal of ammunition & various sized firing tools (which, in our hands, turned into very dangerous weapons) we set off for a spot of squirrel baiting......I mean golf!
We reached our destination after a short journey, barely talking due to the anticipation & headed for the club house. We paid our way & entered the arena! The first hole was short, a par 3 downhill over what looked like a lake (on reflection I think it was a puddle from the rain that had gone before but to us it looked huge). If any of you are keen golfers then you will know that it is imperative that you start the first hole solidly or the round can spiral out of control! With this in mind I made my brother go first....what can I say, I'm a wimp! And anyway, my aim was reconnaissance on squirrel behaviour, not my golf! There was no sign of any woodland life but this was not surprising as we were next to the clubhouse. At this point I just want to go off at a tangent & make an observation regarding golf! Can anyone tell me why there is always a congregation of pro golfers hanging around the clubhouse where invariably the first hole is situated? This makes that first hole ten times harder for the golf-impaired like me & is not fair! Anyway, I digress, my brother stepped up to the tee & hit a pretty good shot to land the ball on the far side of the green. Now it was my turn, the pressure was on, I was aware that the chatter that had been going on over by the clubhouse had stopped & there was an eerie stillness in the air. I took hold of my weapon of choice & stepped up to the mound, took aim, swung the club back & BAM! A small ripple of laughter could be heard from behind me, I had managed to slice the ball about 3 feet to my right & dented the sign which said "Hole 1"! This was not a good start!
So the first few holes deteriorated into chaos with both my brother & I peppering the surrounding trees & bushes with live ammunition. Of course, this was our plan, laying down a few rounds of blanket fire to "flush" them out into the open. On the fourth hole we saw our first furry target, my brother had just hit a superb shot into a large tree (trying to find their hiding place, obviously) & this seemed to do the trick! Suddenly, 2 of the little infantry ran across the fairway, just as they got to the other side the last one stopped & looked back at us with a fear in its eyes! We had them running scared & had obviously caught them off guard! Over the next 5 or 6 holes our aim got better & better, we were now hitting most of our ammunition directly into potential hiding places, trees, bushes, the bunkers (they could have been burying themselves ready for ambush!) even the water was not safe for them any more! We had them on the run & were not going to relent,....this was war after all! We were doing our best to shock the fur balls & taking some of their habit down with it! Branches were felled with a single, well aimed shot, bushes were "ruffed up" by the swinging of our golf clubs. Even with the progress we were making we had still not hit a mortal blow to the clan & I was aware that if we didn't make our dominance count there could be serious repercussions!
We had to wait until the 17th hole until we had our chance! As we made the long walk over to the battlefield I could see a number of small shapes frolicking on the green, was this the moment I had been waiting for? We crept as quietly as one can with a large bag of metal clubs on your back to the tee & set up our heavy artillery! The hole was a 250 yard par 4 & this meant only one thing......the driver was out!! We realised that as soon as the first person hit a ball in the oppositions direction then the chance would be over so we decided to use tactics (obviously this was a pyschic thing as no words were spoken, but brothers have this bond!). My brother, my general, would go first & hit the ball to the right of the target, this was the side with all the cover on it & would push them out into the open more, ready for me to step up & take the glory! My comrade placed his tee & took aim, with an almighty swing of the club he hit the ball as sweetly as either of us had that day. The ball landed in exactly the right place, in between our foes & the cover! Panic rained down on the green & the squirrels were at sixes & sevens! Their ranks had been broken & they were there for the taking, now was my best chance! With a focus that I had not had before I quickly stepped up to the tee & swung with all my might. The ball started off heading for the right hand side, the opposite side to were the squirrels were! This was not good, we both stood with our mouths open, willing the ball to turn left! Now I'm not a god fairing man but what I saw next made me wonder! The ball, in midair, made an almost 90 degree turn to head straight into the group of frightened foes. It seemed to take an age for the projectile to start to dip towards its intended target but when it did it seemed to speed up to unbelievable speeds, it was gonna hit! The squirrels had no chance to run, the ball hit right in the centre of their group & they were blasted in every different direction as if one of them had stepped on a land mine.....a direct hit! We picked up our 'utility' bags & ran as fast as we could to see what effect our unbelievable shots had had! As we neared the green we were expecting to see wounded squirrels being carried off by there comrades, (I am not a sick human being but I had been tormented by these creatures for so long now that I feel I may have gone slightly mad!), but instead of a scene of carnage the only evidence we could find of the goings on of the last 10 mins was large amount of grey hair gathered around a small crater where my ball had made impact! I had made the statement I had wanted to & felt good that it had not come at a high price! This triumph, you may think, would act positively on our golf,....however we are just not that good & manged to take a further 30 mins to complete the last 2 holes, but we didn't care!
We left the course with a renewed spring our step, we had layed down our gauntlet & made an impression on the squirrel world! I looked back as our transport slowly trundled away & sitting silhouetted against the setting sun was that unmistakable shape, just watching us leave! We had won this battle & evened the score slightly but had I opened a new can of worms?!
Saturday 6 October 2007
The woodland wars!
So the gauntlet had been set down, the teams (or team!) had been chosen & things were obviously gonna get worse before they got better!
Over the next few weeks things seemed to die down, relative to what had gone before! Strange small encounters seemed to pop up sandwiched between days of calm & tranquility. Attacks were limited to small woodland creatures on single, suicide missions! Squirrels, rabbits, birds etc would all try their luck hoping to catch me off guard, but I was very aware of their tactics now & so was able to predict when something maybe lurking around a corner or in a bush! Was the tide turning in my favour.....or were they lulling me into a false sense of security? What ever was going on, I was enjoying the quiet daily trips in the sunshine!
Then one day, when I was just starting to allow myself to believe that my nightmare was over, something happened that made me wonder once more. Now, if this encounter had happened without the history that has proceeded it, I would have taken it as a coincidence. Even with all the history I still think that I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, however, sometimes these things happen for a reason & this may have been one of those times! As some of you may know I pride myself in my "I don't care what anyone thinks!" dress sense but when I bought my dream machine I felt that I owed it to the scooter to dress appropriately, this included a brand new unusual helmet! The choice of helmets was extensive, there were plain colours, loud colours, patterns, full faced, 'bucket head', retro style, all of them available in varying styles shapes & sizes! I spent days researching what make & style was gonna be best for me! Finally I chose the helmet for me, it was an open faced retro style helmet in beige & brown leather with tinted visor. It was unusual,.....it was me!!! It was this piece of clothing that was almost my downfall!
It had been sunny all day & this sunniness continued through into the early evening. With the sunny weather, (as rarely happens in England), came heat, it was shorts & T-shirt weather! As such I had decided to forgo the protective gear (bar the helmet....obviously) & allowed the wind to rush past my bare legs & arms. I was in a good mood & due to this I did something which I have never (& will never again) do, I used my iPod to blast some uplifting tunes for my journey home. A quick safety note, please under NO circumstances do as I have done, it is not only illegal but highly dangerous & I am not proud of my actions! With some tacky eighties tunes pumping in my ear, the wind rushing past me, I was in a very good mood & singing like I was at a karaoke bar! I was making good process & had just got to the top of the hill when suddenly I was aware of a small projectile heading towards me at speed. Before I knew what was happening the projectile was entering my mouth mid-song & starting to lodge itself firmly in the back of my throat! Now....if any of you have ever swallowed a fly or bug of some sort you will understand the fright & pain that I was feeling at that second, the fact that I was travelling at 40mph at the time went completely out of my mind. I was slightly preoccupied with the fundamentals of living ie breathing!
So, I was hurtling along gasping for air not paying attention to the road with my life flashing before my eyes! Suddenly my basic reflexes kicked in & I took a big swallow! I managed to dislodge the bug, but this did mean that I had to swallow it! Once the deed had been done I could breath again & my mind started to clear enough for me to realise I was once again gonna be experiencing the trials & tribulations of 'off roading' my my road scooter, this time however there were no trees to break my fall but plenty of dense scrub which was looking sharper & sharper as it got closer & closer! I applied the breaks in a feeble attempt to slow down & turned the wheel, trying to avoid the spiky bushes ahead. This worked,....sort of as I managed to reduce the number of bushes I had to go through to one......one large one that is!! Bits of branch & leaves were breaking off & attaching themselves to the bike, but I was ok & back on the road!
I headed for home, understandably dazed & with a horrible sickly feeling in my stomach! That night, when I was feeling a little better & was out with friends I consumed plenty of alcohol (to sanitise my insides obviously). I stumbled home from my sanitising session & as I walked through the gate I noticed that the branches were still attached to my bike. Suddenly it hit me, like a light being shone down on me, camouflage.......maybe this will give me an advantage in my on going battle with the ninja squirrels of Richmond Park!
Over the next few weeks things seemed to die down, relative to what had gone before! Strange small encounters seemed to pop up sandwiched between days of calm & tranquility. Attacks were limited to small woodland creatures on single, suicide missions! Squirrels, rabbits, birds etc would all try their luck hoping to catch me off guard, but I was very aware of their tactics now & so was able to predict when something maybe lurking around a corner or in a bush! Was the tide turning in my favour.....or were they lulling me into a false sense of security? What ever was going on, I was enjoying the quiet daily trips in the sunshine!
Then one day, when I was just starting to allow myself to believe that my nightmare was over, something happened that made me wonder once more. Now, if this encounter had happened without the history that has proceeded it, I would have taken it as a coincidence. Even with all the history I still think that I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, however, sometimes these things happen for a reason & this may have been one of those times! As some of you may know I pride myself in my "I don't care what anyone thinks!" dress sense but when I bought my dream machine I felt that I owed it to the scooter to dress appropriately, this included a brand new unusual helmet! The choice of helmets was extensive, there were plain colours, loud colours, patterns, full faced, 'bucket head', retro style, all of them available in varying styles shapes & sizes! I spent days researching what make & style was gonna be best for me! Finally I chose the helmet for me, it was an open faced retro style helmet in beige & brown leather with tinted visor. It was unusual,.....it was me!!! It was this piece of clothing that was almost my downfall!
It had been sunny all day & this sunniness continued through into the early evening. With the sunny weather, (as rarely happens in England), came heat, it was shorts & T-shirt weather! As such I had decided to forgo the protective gear (bar the helmet....obviously) & allowed the wind to rush past my bare legs & arms. I was in a good mood & due to this I did something which I have never (& will never again) do, I used my iPod to blast some uplifting tunes for my journey home. A quick safety note, please under NO circumstances do as I have done, it is not only illegal but highly dangerous & I am not proud of my actions! With some tacky eighties tunes pumping in my ear, the wind rushing past me, I was in a very good mood & singing like I was at a karaoke bar! I was making good process & had just got to the top of the hill when suddenly I was aware of a small projectile heading towards me at speed. Before I knew what was happening the projectile was entering my mouth mid-song & starting to lodge itself firmly in the back of my throat! Now....if any of you have ever swallowed a fly or bug of some sort you will understand the fright & pain that I was feeling at that second, the fact that I was travelling at 40mph at the time went completely out of my mind. I was slightly preoccupied with the fundamentals of living ie breathing!
So, I was hurtling along gasping for air not paying attention to the road with my life flashing before my eyes! Suddenly my basic reflexes kicked in & I took a big swallow! I managed to dislodge the bug, but this did mean that I had to swallow it! Once the deed had been done I could breath again & my mind started to clear enough for me to realise I was once again gonna be experiencing the trials & tribulations of 'off roading' my my road scooter, this time however there were no trees to break my fall but plenty of dense scrub which was looking sharper & sharper as it got closer & closer! I applied the breaks in a feeble attempt to slow down & turned the wheel, trying to avoid the spiky bushes ahead. This worked,....sort of as I managed to reduce the number of bushes I had to go through to one......one large one that is!! Bits of branch & leaves were breaking off & attaching themselves to the bike, but I was ok & back on the road!
I headed for home, understandably dazed & with a horrible sickly feeling in my stomach! That night, when I was feeling a little better & was out with friends I consumed plenty of alcohol (to sanitise my insides obviously). I stumbled home from my sanitising session & as I walked through the gate I noticed that the branches were still attached to my bike. Suddenly it hit me, like a light being shone down on me, camouflage.......maybe this will give me an advantage in my on going battle with the ninja squirrels of Richmond Park!
Sunday 30 September 2007
The heavy artillary comes out to play!
Whether as a direct result of my previous encounters or not, I found myself trying to find alternative routes to & from work. I seemed reluctant,... even scared to try my luck travelling the short distance through what I was now regarding as 'no mans land'! The introduction of the woodland creatures 'air force' had brought a new, more vicious slant to the battle. This was however adding a considerable amount of time onto my journey & meant that I had to face the daunting task of trying to negotiate my way up, (what can only be described when on my 50cc scooter, as a mountain) Richmond Hill! I would have to ensure that I was travelling at my top speed before I hit the hill or I had no chance of making it to the top! Milk floats were shooting past me as if boosted by a substantial input of nitrous oxide or rocket fuel, ques would build up behind me of disgruntled office workers trying to work their way through rush hour traffic to their daily grind! It was getting embarrassing, there was nothing for it, I was gonna have to over come my fear & try again!
So, a couple of weeks later (well I did say that these encounters had shaken me!) on a frosty June morning I decided to bite the bullet & attempt the journey once more! Most of the night before I could not sleep, I kept tossing & turning unable to settle down, the vision of that squirrel staring at me with that evil smile kept haunting me. I woke early & tried hard to get myself ready for the task ahead. I wrapped myself up warm in several layers of clothing, partially to protect myself from the elements but also as protection if things got rough! I took the long walk to the road & my waiting steed, (by this point my scooter had ceased to be a mere vehicle & adopted a more comoradic stance), we were as ready as we would ever be! We made good progress, the lights were good to us,... as if they sensed the task we were facing. There was an eerie quietness in Kingston mixed with a light mist that was hanging in the air as we made our way through those looming iron gates which herald the entrance to Richmond Park.
The mist thickened with in the park which gave it a much more 'Hammer Horror' feel to it, I kept telling myself "its all coincidence, nothings gonna happen". I made my choice of route, one that would take me past the most amount of car parks (I figured that this way was likely to be the most populated at this time) put my head down & started to edge my way along as quietly as I could on an over sized hairdryer on wheels! As my journey continued I saw no evidence of life at all, no humans walking their dogs, no woodland creatures foraging for food, not even a bird singing in the morning mist. The silence was deafening! I made good progress & as I rounded the third corner I was starting to think that all was gonna be well, I just had to get over the hill & I was on the home straight. This did mean however that I had to pass by the largest bit of open land in the park & I knew that the grass here was thicker than usual, this coupled with the pea soup mist that was still lingering made for ideal hiding areas. As I came up on this area I started to hear tapping sounds, sounds not dis-similar to morse code, they were out there! I sped up feeling my heart thumping in my chest, & as I did this I saw two brown antlers slowly rise out of the grass like the silent periscope of a submarine. In a split second the antlers had been followed by what looked like a giant mutated stag of some kind (obviously this is not strictly the truth but writers license & all!). It bounded towards me at amazing speed & a head on collision was looking inevitable! I quickly applied my breaks & screeched to a halt, the stag did the same, by now it was no more than 10 feet away. We stared at each other for what seemed like hours, me too frightened to move & the stag daring me to try it! It edge forwards,...I edged back. It edge forwards again,... again I countered with an edge back! This was looking like a stand off! I tried turning off my engine, perhaps the noise I was making was disturbing its beauty sleep (& my god did he need it!), still no movement, it just stared straight at me with cold piercing eyes! There was no way round it, I made a quick assessment of the situation I was in & my options. I was in a stand off with a wild stag at least twice my weight, there was no one around, I was trapped. I could try sitting it out & waiting for the stag to get bored, but what if he didn't get bored? I'd be stuck here for ages! If he came rushing towards me I could turn & drive away fast,... but I was on my scooter &, as I have already discussed, it does not do hills well! There was nothing for it I was gonna have to try edging towards it, make a stand & maybe he would be so over come with the audacity of my actions that he would flee with his tail between his legs! Needless to say that this last attempt didn't work & I ended up having to walk the scooter to the top of the hill & finding another way round the park!
This was another serious blow, & as before, on looking back I saw the lone silhouette of a squirrel watching me! There was nothing else for it, I was gonna have to start involving tactics!
This was another serious blow, & as before, on looking back I saw the lone silhouette of a squirrel watching me! There was nothing else for it, I was gonna have to start involving tactics!
Saturday 29 September 2007
And so it continues!
After my initial encounter with the small & perfectly formed furry fighting machine, I remained sceptical at the intent of the attack. Perhaps it was my caring & trusting nature but I just did not think that these cute, cuddly animals could be anything but.....well, cute & cuddly! However, events were about to make me wonder if this were really true!
A few days after 'initial contact' I started noticing strange things happening around me! At first I took these strange goings on as coincidence but I soon came to realise what I was dealing with! It started with rustling in the bushes, the feeling that someone was watching me, I suddenly started to notice small woodland creatures sitting on the side of the road watching me as I went by! Rabbits would stop their foraging & sit up to watch what I was doing, deer would hide in the long grass with just their heads visible constantly observing everything! Now had I not had my previous encounter I would not have taken any notice of these, basically natural occurrences, & indeed I did not take any notice at the time but the events which occurred later on in the week would make me think back to the things I had seen!
The setting was similar to the 'initial contact', a quiet afternoon, nothing extraordinary in the trip so far, no reason for me to feel anything was about to happen! This time I had just entered the park from the Roehampton end & was heading towards the Kingston gate past the golf course, the road was clear & quiet. As I turned a particularly large bend I noticed 2 or 3 small shapes in the distance, as they were evidently not on the road there was no need for me to make any changes in my driving. I got round the bend & the shapes had disappeared. As I sped up I notice out of the corner of my eye a squirrel sitting on the side of the road on my right, now at this point you may start to doubt my story but all I can do is to swear to you this IS how events unfolded! The squirrel on my right started to run towards the road on a collision course with my scooter. To counter this I, as any good driver would, slowed down to allow the squirrel to cross without harm, at this point I noticed 2 more squirrels heading towards me this time from the left hand side of the road. The squirrel on the right altered its run to account for my slowing down & I was now heading for all out carnage with 3 kamikaze squirrels which looked intent on doing some damage. It was at this point that my advanced driving training kicked in & I managed to use a cunning little drop of the shoulder & hard on the accelerator to shimmy my way through the on coming attack! As I shot by these furry warriors I looked back to see all 3 sitting just off the road, watching me accelerate away! Good try you woodland fiends but you'll have to get up pretty early to get me, I thought!
Now, if years of watching Hollywood blockbusters have taught me anything its the fact that the person who gloats & doesn't pay attention to whats going on around them invariably gets 'knocked off' first! Hindsight is a wonderful thing but, as the nature of the word suggests, comes all too late! I wish I had learnt from my misspent youth as this attach turned out to have been a decoy & the real attack was to come from an altogether more worrying source!
All of a sudden I was aware of a rushing of wind past my head, a ruffling of feathers by my ear & a loud 'aaarrrrgghh' coming from above! I was being attacked from the sky by mysterious black foes intent on sending me off the road to my doom! The crows continued to attack, 2 of them diving at me & pulling up just at the last minute tapping my helmet with their beaks & feet! Now, if I was climbing a tree where there might have been a nest then this sort of behaviour may have been natural, if I had been standing too close to the birds food source then I still may have taken this as a case of protecting their domain but this was on the road with me moving! How could this be? The vicious attack continued for what seemed like minutes ( probably no more than a few seconds but my imagination is rife & I am a man!), but as quickly as it started so it ended & my assailants were gone!
I was shaken & made my way as quickly as I could to the exit & safety! As I got close to the gate I dared to look back & once again all I could see was a lone squirrel sitting in the road, an evil grin on its small furry face! The squirrels had involved the other woodland creatures in our war, the stakes had been raised, now it was personal!!
A few days after 'initial contact' I started noticing strange things happening around me! At first I took these strange goings on as coincidence but I soon came to realise what I was dealing with! It started with rustling in the bushes, the feeling that someone was watching me, I suddenly started to notice small woodland creatures sitting on the side of the road watching me as I went by! Rabbits would stop their foraging & sit up to watch what I was doing, deer would hide in the long grass with just their heads visible constantly observing everything! Now had I not had my previous encounter I would not have taken any notice of these, basically natural occurrences, & indeed I did not take any notice at the time but the events which occurred later on in the week would make me think back to the things I had seen!
The setting was similar to the 'initial contact', a quiet afternoon, nothing extraordinary in the trip so far, no reason for me to feel anything was about to happen! This time I had just entered the park from the Roehampton end & was heading towards the Kingston gate past the golf course, the road was clear & quiet. As I turned a particularly large bend I noticed 2 or 3 small shapes in the distance, as they were evidently not on the road there was no need for me to make any changes in my driving. I got round the bend & the shapes had disappeared. As I sped up I notice out of the corner of my eye a squirrel sitting on the side of the road on my right, now at this point you may start to doubt my story but all I can do is to swear to you this IS how events unfolded! The squirrel on my right started to run towards the road on a collision course with my scooter. To counter this I, as any good driver would, slowed down to allow the squirrel to cross without harm, at this point I noticed 2 more squirrels heading towards me this time from the left hand side of the road. The squirrel on the right altered its run to account for my slowing down & I was now heading for all out carnage with 3 kamikaze squirrels which looked intent on doing some damage. It was at this point that my advanced driving training kicked in & I managed to use a cunning little drop of the shoulder & hard on the accelerator to shimmy my way through the on coming attack! As I shot by these furry warriors I looked back to see all 3 sitting just off the road, watching me accelerate away! Good try you woodland fiends but you'll have to get up pretty early to get me, I thought!
Now, if years of watching Hollywood blockbusters have taught me anything its the fact that the person who gloats & doesn't pay attention to whats going on around them invariably gets 'knocked off' first! Hindsight is a wonderful thing but, as the nature of the word suggests, comes all too late! I wish I had learnt from my misspent youth as this attach turned out to have been a decoy & the real attack was to come from an altogether more worrying source!
All of a sudden I was aware of a rushing of wind past my head, a ruffling of feathers by my ear & a loud 'aaarrrrgghh' coming from above! I was being attacked from the sky by mysterious black foes intent on sending me off the road to my doom! The crows continued to attack, 2 of them diving at me & pulling up just at the last minute tapping my helmet with their beaks & feet! Now, if I was climbing a tree where there might have been a nest then this sort of behaviour may have been natural, if I had been standing too close to the birds food source then I still may have taken this as a case of protecting their domain but this was on the road with me moving! How could this be? The vicious attack continued for what seemed like minutes ( probably no more than a few seconds but my imagination is rife & I am a man!), but as quickly as it started so it ended & my assailants were gone!
I was shaken & made my way as quickly as I could to the exit & safety! As I got close to the gate I dared to look back & once again all I could see was a lone squirrel sitting in the road, an evil grin on its small furry face! The squirrels had involved the other woodland creatures in our war, the stakes had been raised, now it was personal!!
The story so far!
So, for those of you who do not know me or have not heard my rantings before, a brief run down of the plight I have been facing daily for months now!
It all started, as most things do, suddenly & without warning on a quiet day in May. It was my 30th birthday & I woke up to a normal, sunny (I know its hard to believe but we did have some sun this summer!) day! Little did I know that the events of that day were to change my life in ways which could only have been thought of in those James Bond novels or in the minds of those people that thought up characters like, The X-Men, Fantastic 4, Danger Mouse or Batfink!
I was slightly apprehensive of the day as, like most people, I was suffering from the stigma that 30 brings with it! I had taken the day off so as not to leave myself in the firing line at work & so surfaced a little later than usual. Now for those of you who know me you'll know that I enjoy my job for many reasons, of which the pay is most definitely NOT one of them, and like many men of my age I was going through what can only be described as an 'early mid-life' crisis! Now usually when this happens the man in question will invariably go out, buy an expensive sports car, meet a girl half his age & make a complete fool of himself! This is exactly what I felt like doing but, (as my bank balance is considerably smaller than I would like) my 'extravagance' was to go out & get myself what I have always wanted,....... a Vespa scooter to run around on!
The scooter in question was modest,....it was bright red in colour & sounded like an over sized hairdryer! But it was mine & made me feel younger than my years, & so the desired effect was obtained (at a fraction of the cost might I add!). The purchase of the mean machine would signal the end to my daily routine of getting up at 5.45am to catch the 6am train, dragging my sorry half asleep frame from train to tube to 2nd tube. No more fighting for a seat on an overcrowded 'cattle transport' trying not to inhale the over powering pong of the business ladies perfume to my right or the unbearable stench of the students bodily odour on my left! No more snotty looks from the 'older' lady that had just got on the tube for not giving up the seat I had waited almost the whole of my journey to obtain! This was gonna be fab!!! Little did I realise!!!!!!!
My journey would take me from my little village just outside London to Hammersmith & work. This would mean that I would have to travel through Richmond Park twice a day & its here where my problems begin!
Now I feel I must add a small note here about my character! I am a happy person, very rarely do I have a problem with anyone or anything that I meet. I work for the NHS with very sick people & so feel that I have a caring nature. I have grown up with many pets, dogs, cats, goldfish,....even a goat & one of my early jobs was working at Chessington Zoo! I urge you to take this into consideration when you read through the rest of my rants as it may not be that obvious that this is the way I am!
It all started one summers evening, there was the smell of a storm in the air but the sun had been out all day & was slowly sinking into the horizon. The atmosphere was 'close' but this I took to be an effect of the impending down pour or the hard day at work which I had just endured! The journey had been uneventful so far, very little traffic, green lights all the way & no hold ups behind the elderly lady that can barely see over the steering wheel. All this was about to change! I was making good progress through the park, (travelling at the speed limit as usual) I had just managed to negotiate getting to the top of the biggest hill in the park & was heading for the downhill section when, & without warning may I add, a squirrel jumped out from its hiding place in the bushes & faced up to me! Now if any of you have ever been on a 50cc scooter you will know that these machines were not built for immense speeds, in fact the top speed (on the flat) is a tentative 40mph!I'm not sure if it was solely this issue or the fact that, when you face death life slows down & you can see things more clearly but I swear that it was as if someone had frozen time! Every thing around me was extra clear & I had time to look around & take in every aspect of the situation. In these few seconds of clarity, when I had looked around me & taken stock of what was going on my eyes were drawn straight ahead of me & the assailant which had put me in this situation. As our eyes connected I must admit that I felt a fear go through me which I have never felt before! This was no ordinary squirrel, there was a fire in its eyes which was not natural! I swerved violently to miss the little bundle of fur before me, my speed was increasing (I was going downhill at the time), the edge of the road was quickly coming up on me & I had no time to take evasive actions.....there was nothing for it, I was gonna have to go 'off road'! The grass was very uneven & there was forest debris every where, "this is gonna hurt" was going through my head (when these life or death situations happen reality gets altered slightly so the speed aspect did go right out of my head) & I was heading straight for a tree!!!!! Luckily for me, a fallen branch slowed me down & the impact was.....well.....pathetic! However, the branch had already done its damage & my tyre was as flat as a pancake! Whilst I was trying to pull myself together I looked back up towards where I had come off the road & there it was, the evil squirrel sitting bolt upright in the middle of the road as if nothing had happened. One vision will stick with me for along time to come, & that was the evil grin on that squirrel's face!! And here is where it all began!!
From here on things get personal! The squirrels had one this battle & I had the feeling many more where to come!
It all started, as most things do, suddenly & without warning on a quiet day in May. It was my 30th birthday & I woke up to a normal, sunny (I know its hard to believe but we did have some sun this summer!) day! Little did I know that the events of that day were to change my life in ways which could only have been thought of in those James Bond novels or in the minds of those people that thought up characters like, The X-Men, Fantastic 4, Danger Mouse or Batfink!
I was slightly apprehensive of the day as, like most people, I was suffering from the stigma that 30 brings with it! I had taken the day off so as not to leave myself in the firing line at work & so surfaced a little later than usual. Now for those of you who know me you'll know that I enjoy my job for many reasons, of which the pay is most definitely NOT one of them, and like many men of my age I was going through what can only be described as an 'early mid-life' crisis! Now usually when this happens the man in question will invariably go out, buy an expensive sports car, meet a girl half his age & make a complete fool of himself! This is exactly what I felt like doing but, (as my bank balance is considerably smaller than I would like) my 'extravagance' was to go out & get myself what I have always wanted,....... a Vespa scooter to run around on!
The scooter in question was modest,....it was bright red in colour & sounded like an over sized hairdryer! But it was mine & made me feel younger than my years, & so the desired effect was obtained (at a fraction of the cost might I add!). The purchase of the mean machine would signal the end to my daily routine of getting up at 5.45am to catch the 6am train, dragging my sorry half asleep frame from train to tube to 2nd tube. No more fighting for a seat on an overcrowded 'cattle transport' trying not to inhale the over powering pong of the business ladies perfume to my right or the unbearable stench of the students bodily odour on my left! No more snotty looks from the 'older' lady that had just got on the tube for not giving up the seat I had waited almost the whole of my journey to obtain! This was gonna be fab!!! Little did I realise!!!!!!!
My journey would take me from my little village just outside London to Hammersmith & work. This would mean that I would have to travel through Richmond Park twice a day & its here where my problems begin!
Now I feel I must add a small note here about my character! I am a happy person, very rarely do I have a problem with anyone or anything that I meet. I work for the NHS with very sick people & so feel that I have a caring nature. I have grown up with many pets, dogs, cats, goldfish,....even a goat & one of my early jobs was working at Chessington Zoo! I urge you to take this into consideration when you read through the rest of my rants as it may not be that obvious that this is the way I am!
It all started one summers evening, there was the smell of a storm in the air but the sun had been out all day & was slowly sinking into the horizon. The atmosphere was 'close' but this I took to be an effect of the impending down pour or the hard day at work which I had just endured! The journey had been uneventful so far, very little traffic, green lights all the way & no hold ups behind the elderly lady that can barely see over the steering wheel. All this was about to change! I was making good progress through the park, (travelling at the speed limit as usual) I had just managed to negotiate getting to the top of the biggest hill in the park & was heading for the downhill section when, & without warning may I add, a squirrel jumped out from its hiding place in the bushes & faced up to me! Now if any of you have ever been on a 50cc scooter you will know that these machines were not built for immense speeds, in fact the top speed (on the flat) is a tentative 40mph!I'm not sure if it was solely this issue or the fact that, when you face death life slows down & you can see things more clearly but I swear that it was as if someone had frozen time! Every thing around me was extra clear & I had time to look around & take in every aspect of the situation. In these few seconds of clarity, when I had looked around me & taken stock of what was going on my eyes were drawn straight ahead of me & the assailant which had put me in this situation. As our eyes connected I must admit that I felt a fear go through me which I have never felt before! This was no ordinary squirrel, there was a fire in its eyes which was not natural! I swerved violently to miss the little bundle of fur before me, my speed was increasing (I was going downhill at the time), the edge of the road was quickly coming up on me & I had no time to take evasive actions.....there was nothing for it, I was gonna have to go 'off road'! The grass was very uneven & there was forest debris every where, "this is gonna hurt" was going through my head (when these life or death situations happen reality gets altered slightly so the speed aspect did go right out of my head) & I was heading straight for a tree!!!!! Luckily for me, a fallen branch slowed me down & the impact was.....well.....pathetic! However, the branch had already done its damage & my tyre was as flat as a pancake! Whilst I was trying to pull myself together I looked back up towards where I had come off the road & there it was, the evil squirrel sitting bolt upright in the middle of the road as if nothing had happened. One vision will stick with me for along time to come, & that was the evil grin on that squirrel's face!! And here is where it all began!!
From here on things get personal! The squirrels had one this battle & I had the feeling many more where to come!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
