So I had fought back & was experiencing a strange mixture of feelings, elation at standing up for myself, trepidation for what I may have started & down right fear......at the thought I might have made them angry!! I had hit below the belt, (mainly because I was so out numbered in the park), but this was no excuse! I was no better than one of those kids at school who, because they were not big enough to stand up to kids their age, decided to take their anger out on the smallest, scrawniest kid in the play ground. Now, I know how this feels as I was said scrawny kid when I was at school, I frequently was subjected to the 'atomic wedgie from hell', or given several dead arms at lunch, or (& this seemed to be their favourite & kept for when I answered back) they would just put me inside one of those giant silver dustbins you find in school yards. Due to my size I was unable to climb out & the wedgie I had already received would ensure my legs did not work the way they should! Ahh school.....good days!!
I knew that depravity of what I had done had not gone unnoticed by the evil little critters & so waited for them to make their move!
In every war there are casualties on both sides, this is inevitable but there are also a number of innocent's that get caught up in the cross fire & it is these poor bystanders that make wars even more atrocious than they already are! I admit I had bought my brother into the fray & he did not even realise he was now a 'player' in my daily chess battle, but had he know, I like to think he would have been there standing side by side with me fighting for our freedom. This is, after all what families are meant to do, no matter what, through thick & thin they stick together, for if we didn't have family were would we be? I am lucky, in that I have a number of best friends (you know who you are), who stick by me when I'm talking absolute piffle in the pub on a Friday evening or when I'm just a miserable old git at work, they lend an ear when I need it & a hand when I fall over! I think of them as part of my family but, despite this, I don't think it is fair to bring these saints into my petty battles when they have nothing to do with our problems! This is exactly what happened next with one of my best friends who I will refer to as merely 'Welsh'! Here is her story,.....she is played by an actress to protect her!
"So I was back in training for the new rugby season & so was trying to run home from work as often as possible. Its not a bad run, along the river to Putney Bridge & then back towards home, & on a bright sunny day with the sun beating down on me I look forward to the fresh air! This particular day it had been sunny all day & looked like carrying on into the evening. After work some of us had decided we would go for a coffee as we are partial to doing every now & again. We had a bit of playful banter & 'Scooter Boy' recounted some of his recent escapades, we finished our respective beverages & headed off for home. I left the group & started my usual run home, heading down to the river then turning to run along it to Putney. I was about 10 mins into it when out of nowhere a small furry thing flew at me from a tree above, I just about managed to duck before it hit me in the face! As this had thrown me off balance I had made a kind of stumble along the pavement like Phoebe from friends. I looked around to see if anyone had seen & could not see anyone so I thought I had got away with it, then, from behind me I heard a cough & the most gorgeous, perfect specimen of a man ran past me. Bollocks, I thought, he was lovely!!"
Because of her ordeal, Welsh has not run that route again! She is still reeling that she was made to look a fool of in front of such an amazing Adonis who she could have slyly ran along side & started a conversation, had she not been viciously attacked by a hairy assassin! She was an innocent bystander who did not deserve this traumatic experience & all I can say is sorry to her for bringing this upon her! I opened a can of worms by attacking the families of these satanic vermin & this I feel is the reason Welsh was attacked! I never meant for her to bought into my arguments & will stop at nothing to avenge her!
So if your reading this squirrel, you may think that this latest attack will dishearten me, to make me think twice about fighting back in the future, to even make me scared of you,....but you would be wrong! This has not only fired me up even more to fight back for my freedom but has also bought another player onto the battle field, one who is a formidable foe, one who knows no fear & thrives on confrontation & together we will be victorious!!
Wednesday 10 October 2007
Sunday 7 October 2007
I fight back......sort of!
The camouflage was slightly too bulky to use day to day & so was quickly disposed of (I must admit I did use it for a couple of days.....mainly out of sheer laziness!). A busy social schedule meant a rest for the mean machine & a return to using the train & tube combo again! This meant early mornings & late nights but no battles with small furry adversaries, so all was well! Things plodded along at a steady pace & my life started to resemble some sort of normality. Sleep returned to normal, no more waking up in a cold sweat, dreaming of giant mutant squirrels chasing me on my scooter that seemed to be going backwards rather than forwards! I was enjoying myself again, but all along I was conscious of the lack of use my scooter was getting. So I hatched a plan (of sorts)! I would wage my own war & bring in re-enforcements!
I needed to go somewhere where I knew the furry little critters would be taken off guard, somewhere other than Richmond Park as the ninja squirrels that resided there where, by far, superior to me! So I decided to deliver a low blow by going for friends & family of the afore mentioned animals & headed with my brother to an ideal spot.......the local golf course! This location was ideal, acres of rolling green, trees & bushes as far as you can see & virtually no one around. There was no where more perfect for these masters of woodland warfare to relax & bring up their young! Now I know going after the families of my adversaries is a low blow but I was not trying to get them, I just picked this place because I knew how truly awful my brother & I were at golf & if we took a few 'squirrels in training' out at the same time then it would make the 5 hours we spent attempting to hit small white balls into ridiculous holes that much more satisfying! So we got suited up, & armed with an arsenal of ammunition & various sized firing tools (which, in our hands, turned into very dangerous weapons) we set off for a spot of squirrel baiting......I mean golf!
We reached our destination after a short journey, barely talking due to the anticipation & headed for the club house. We paid our way & entered the arena! The first hole was short, a par 3 downhill over what looked like a lake (on reflection I think it was a puddle from the rain that had gone before but to us it looked huge). If any of you are keen golfers then you will know that it is imperative that you start the first hole solidly or the round can spiral out of control! With this in mind I made my brother go first....what can I say, I'm a wimp! And anyway, my aim was reconnaissance on squirrel behaviour, not my golf! There was no sign of any woodland life but this was not surprising as we were next to the clubhouse. At this point I just want to go off at a tangent & make an observation regarding golf! Can anyone tell me why there is always a congregation of pro golfers hanging around the clubhouse where invariably the first hole is situated? This makes that first hole ten times harder for the golf-impaired like me & is not fair! Anyway, I digress, my brother stepped up to the tee & hit a pretty good shot to land the ball on the far side of the green. Now it was my turn, the pressure was on, I was aware that the chatter that had been going on over by the clubhouse had stopped & there was an eerie stillness in the air. I took hold of my weapon of choice & stepped up to the mound, took aim, swung the club back & BAM! A small ripple of laughter could be heard from behind me, I had managed to slice the ball about 3 feet to my right & dented the sign which said "Hole 1"! This was not a good start!
So the first few holes deteriorated into chaos with both my brother & I peppering the surrounding trees & bushes with live ammunition. Of course, this was our plan, laying down a few rounds of blanket fire to "flush" them out into the open. On the fourth hole we saw our first furry target, my brother had just hit a superb shot into a large tree (trying to find their hiding place, obviously) & this seemed to do the trick! Suddenly, 2 of the little infantry ran across the fairway, just as they got to the other side the last one stopped & looked back at us with a fear in its eyes! We had them running scared & had obviously caught them off guard! Over the next 5 or 6 holes our aim got better & better, we were now hitting most of our ammunition directly into potential hiding places, trees, bushes, the bunkers (they could have been burying themselves ready for ambush!) even the water was not safe for them any more! We had them on the run & were not going to relent,....this was war after all! We were doing our best to shock the fur balls & taking some of their habit down with it! Branches were felled with a single, well aimed shot, bushes were "ruffed up" by the swinging of our golf clubs. Even with the progress we were making we had still not hit a mortal blow to the clan & I was aware that if we didn't make our dominance count there could be serious repercussions!
We had to wait until the 17th hole until we had our chance! As we made the long walk over to the battlefield I could see a number of small shapes frolicking on the green, was this the moment I had been waiting for? We crept as quietly as one can with a large bag of metal clubs on your back to the tee & set up our heavy artillery! The hole was a 250 yard par 4 & this meant only one thing......the driver was out!! We realised that as soon as the first person hit a ball in the oppositions direction then the chance would be over so we decided to use tactics (obviously this was a pyschic thing as no words were spoken, but brothers have this bond!). My brother, my general, would go first & hit the ball to the right of the target, this was the side with all the cover on it & would push them out into the open more, ready for me to step up & take the glory! My comrade placed his tee & took aim, with an almighty swing of the club he hit the ball as sweetly as either of us had that day. The ball landed in exactly the right place, in between our foes & the cover! Panic rained down on the green & the squirrels were at sixes & sevens! Their ranks had been broken & they were there for the taking, now was my best chance! With a focus that I had not had before I quickly stepped up to the tee & swung with all my might. The ball started off heading for the right hand side, the opposite side to were the squirrels were! This was not good, we both stood with our mouths open, willing the ball to turn left! Now I'm not a god fairing man but what I saw next made me wonder! The ball, in midair, made an almost 90 degree turn to head straight into the group of frightened foes. It seemed to take an age for the projectile to start to dip towards its intended target but when it did it seemed to speed up to unbelievable speeds, it was gonna hit! The squirrels had no chance to run, the ball hit right in the centre of their group & they were blasted in every different direction as if one of them had stepped on a land mine.....a direct hit! We picked up our 'utility' bags & ran as fast as we could to see what effect our unbelievable shots had had! As we neared the green we were expecting to see wounded squirrels being carried off by there comrades, (I am not a sick human being but I had been tormented by these creatures for so long now that I feel I may have gone slightly mad!), but instead of a scene of carnage the only evidence we could find of the goings on of the last 10 mins was large amount of grey hair gathered around a small crater where my ball had made impact! I had made the statement I had wanted to & felt good that it had not come at a high price! This triumph, you may think, would act positively on our golf,....however we are just not that good & manged to take a further 30 mins to complete the last 2 holes, but we didn't care!
We left the course with a renewed spring our step, we had layed down our gauntlet & made an impression on the squirrel world! I looked back as our transport slowly trundled away & sitting silhouetted against the setting sun was that unmistakable shape, just watching us leave! We had won this battle & evened the score slightly but had I opened a new can of worms?!
I needed to go somewhere where I knew the furry little critters would be taken off guard, somewhere other than Richmond Park as the ninja squirrels that resided there where, by far, superior to me! So I decided to deliver a low blow by going for friends & family of the afore mentioned animals & headed with my brother to an ideal spot.......the local golf course! This location was ideal, acres of rolling green, trees & bushes as far as you can see & virtually no one around. There was no where more perfect for these masters of woodland warfare to relax & bring up their young! Now I know going after the families of my adversaries is a low blow but I was not trying to get them, I just picked this place because I knew how truly awful my brother & I were at golf & if we took a few 'squirrels in training' out at the same time then it would make the 5 hours we spent attempting to hit small white balls into ridiculous holes that much more satisfying! So we got suited up, & armed with an arsenal of ammunition & various sized firing tools (which, in our hands, turned into very dangerous weapons) we set off for a spot of squirrel baiting......I mean golf!
We reached our destination after a short journey, barely talking due to the anticipation & headed for the club house. We paid our way & entered the arena! The first hole was short, a par 3 downhill over what looked like a lake (on reflection I think it was a puddle from the rain that had gone before but to us it looked huge). If any of you are keen golfers then you will know that it is imperative that you start the first hole solidly or the round can spiral out of control! With this in mind I made my brother go first....what can I say, I'm a wimp! And anyway, my aim was reconnaissance on squirrel behaviour, not my golf! There was no sign of any woodland life but this was not surprising as we were next to the clubhouse. At this point I just want to go off at a tangent & make an observation regarding golf! Can anyone tell me why there is always a congregation of pro golfers hanging around the clubhouse where invariably the first hole is situated? This makes that first hole ten times harder for the golf-impaired like me & is not fair! Anyway, I digress, my brother stepped up to the tee & hit a pretty good shot to land the ball on the far side of the green. Now it was my turn, the pressure was on, I was aware that the chatter that had been going on over by the clubhouse had stopped & there was an eerie stillness in the air. I took hold of my weapon of choice & stepped up to the mound, took aim, swung the club back & BAM! A small ripple of laughter could be heard from behind me, I had managed to slice the ball about 3 feet to my right & dented the sign which said "Hole 1"! This was not a good start!
So the first few holes deteriorated into chaos with both my brother & I peppering the surrounding trees & bushes with live ammunition. Of course, this was our plan, laying down a few rounds of blanket fire to "flush" them out into the open. On the fourth hole we saw our first furry target, my brother had just hit a superb shot into a large tree (trying to find their hiding place, obviously) & this seemed to do the trick! Suddenly, 2 of the little infantry ran across the fairway, just as they got to the other side the last one stopped & looked back at us with a fear in its eyes! We had them running scared & had obviously caught them off guard! Over the next 5 or 6 holes our aim got better & better, we were now hitting most of our ammunition directly into potential hiding places, trees, bushes, the bunkers (they could have been burying themselves ready for ambush!) even the water was not safe for them any more! We had them on the run & were not going to relent,....this was war after all! We were doing our best to shock the fur balls & taking some of their habit down with it! Branches were felled with a single, well aimed shot, bushes were "ruffed up" by the swinging of our golf clubs. Even with the progress we were making we had still not hit a mortal blow to the clan & I was aware that if we didn't make our dominance count there could be serious repercussions!
We had to wait until the 17th hole until we had our chance! As we made the long walk over to the battlefield I could see a number of small shapes frolicking on the green, was this the moment I had been waiting for? We crept as quietly as one can with a large bag of metal clubs on your back to the tee & set up our heavy artillery! The hole was a 250 yard par 4 & this meant only one thing......the driver was out!! We realised that as soon as the first person hit a ball in the oppositions direction then the chance would be over so we decided to use tactics (obviously this was a pyschic thing as no words were spoken, but brothers have this bond!). My brother, my general, would go first & hit the ball to the right of the target, this was the side with all the cover on it & would push them out into the open more, ready for me to step up & take the glory! My comrade placed his tee & took aim, with an almighty swing of the club he hit the ball as sweetly as either of us had that day. The ball landed in exactly the right place, in between our foes & the cover! Panic rained down on the green & the squirrels were at sixes & sevens! Their ranks had been broken & they were there for the taking, now was my best chance! With a focus that I had not had before I quickly stepped up to the tee & swung with all my might. The ball started off heading for the right hand side, the opposite side to were the squirrels were! This was not good, we both stood with our mouths open, willing the ball to turn left! Now I'm not a god fairing man but what I saw next made me wonder! The ball, in midair, made an almost 90 degree turn to head straight into the group of frightened foes. It seemed to take an age for the projectile to start to dip towards its intended target but when it did it seemed to speed up to unbelievable speeds, it was gonna hit! The squirrels had no chance to run, the ball hit right in the centre of their group & they were blasted in every different direction as if one of them had stepped on a land mine.....a direct hit! We picked up our 'utility' bags & ran as fast as we could to see what effect our unbelievable shots had had! As we neared the green we were expecting to see wounded squirrels being carried off by there comrades, (I am not a sick human being but I had been tormented by these creatures for so long now that I feel I may have gone slightly mad!), but instead of a scene of carnage the only evidence we could find of the goings on of the last 10 mins was large amount of grey hair gathered around a small crater where my ball had made impact! I had made the statement I had wanted to & felt good that it had not come at a high price! This triumph, you may think, would act positively on our golf,....however we are just not that good & manged to take a further 30 mins to complete the last 2 holes, but we didn't care!
We left the course with a renewed spring our step, we had layed down our gauntlet & made an impression on the squirrel world! I looked back as our transport slowly trundled away & sitting silhouetted against the setting sun was that unmistakable shape, just watching us leave! We had won this battle & evened the score slightly but had I opened a new can of worms?!
Saturday 6 October 2007
The woodland wars!
So the gauntlet had been set down, the teams (or team!) had been chosen & things were obviously gonna get worse before they got better!
Over the next few weeks things seemed to die down, relative to what had gone before! Strange small encounters seemed to pop up sandwiched between days of calm & tranquility. Attacks were limited to small woodland creatures on single, suicide missions! Squirrels, rabbits, birds etc would all try their luck hoping to catch me off guard, but I was very aware of their tactics now & so was able to predict when something maybe lurking around a corner or in a bush! Was the tide turning in my favour.....or were they lulling me into a false sense of security? What ever was going on, I was enjoying the quiet daily trips in the sunshine!
Then one day, when I was just starting to allow myself to believe that my nightmare was over, something happened that made me wonder once more. Now, if this encounter had happened without the history that has proceeded it, I would have taken it as a coincidence. Even with all the history I still think that I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, however, sometimes these things happen for a reason & this may have been one of those times! As some of you may know I pride myself in my "I don't care what anyone thinks!" dress sense but when I bought my dream machine I felt that I owed it to the scooter to dress appropriately, this included a brand new unusual helmet! The choice of helmets was extensive, there were plain colours, loud colours, patterns, full faced, 'bucket head', retro style, all of them available in varying styles shapes & sizes! I spent days researching what make & style was gonna be best for me! Finally I chose the helmet for me, it was an open faced retro style helmet in beige & brown leather with tinted visor. It was unusual,.....it was me!!! It was this piece of clothing that was almost my downfall!
It had been sunny all day & this sunniness continued through into the early evening. With the sunny weather, (as rarely happens in England), came heat, it was shorts & T-shirt weather! As such I had decided to forgo the protective gear (bar the helmet....obviously) & allowed the wind to rush past my bare legs & arms. I was in a good mood & due to this I did something which I have never (& will never again) do, I used my iPod to blast some uplifting tunes for my journey home. A quick safety note, please under NO circumstances do as I have done, it is not only illegal but highly dangerous & I am not proud of my actions! With some tacky eighties tunes pumping in my ear, the wind rushing past me, I was in a very good mood & singing like I was at a karaoke bar! I was making good process & had just got to the top of the hill when suddenly I was aware of a small projectile heading towards me at speed. Before I knew what was happening the projectile was entering my mouth mid-song & starting to lodge itself firmly in the back of my throat! Now....if any of you have ever swallowed a fly or bug of some sort you will understand the fright & pain that I was feeling at that second, the fact that I was travelling at 40mph at the time went completely out of my mind. I was slightly preoccupied with the fundamentals of living ie breathing!
So, I was hurtling along gasping for air not paying attention to the road with my life flashing before my eyes! Suddenly my basic reflexes kicked in & I took a big swallow! I managed to dislodge the bug, but this did mean that I had to swallow it! Once the deed had been done I could breath again & my mind started to clear enough for me to realise I was once again gonna be experiencing the trials & tribulations of 'off roading' my my road scooter, this time however there were no trees to break my fall but plenty of dense scrub which was looking sharper & sharper as it got closer & closer! I applied the breaks in a feeble attempt to slow down & turned the wheel, trying to avoid the spiky bushes ahead. This worked,....sort of as I managed to reduce the number of bushes I had to go through to one......one large one that is!! Bits of branch & leaves were breaking off & attaching themselves to the bike, but I was ok & back on the road!
I headed for home, understandably dazed & with a horrible sickly feeling in my stomach! That night, when I was feeling a little better & was out with friends I consumed plenty of alcohol (to sanitise my insides obviously). I stumbled home from my sanitising session & as I walked through the gate I noticed that the branches were still attached to my bike. Suddenly it hit me, like a light being shone down on me, camouflage.......maybe this will give me an advantage in my on going battle with the ninja squirrels of Richmond Park!
Over the next few weeks things seemed to die down, relative to what had gone before! Strange small encounters seemed to pop up sandwiched between days of calm & tranquility. Attacks were limited to small woodland creatures on single, suicide missions! Squirrels, rabbits, birds etc would all try their luck hoping to catch me off guard, but I was very aware of their tactics now & so was able to predict when something maybe lurking around a corner or in a bush! Was the tide turning in my favour.....or were they lulling me into a false sense of security? What ever was going on, I was enjoying the quiet daily trips in the sunshine!
Then one day, when I was just starting to allow myself to believe that my nightmare was over, something happened that made me wonder once more. Now, if this encounter had happened without the history that has proceeded it, I would have taken it as a coincidence. Even with all the history I still think that I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, however, sometimes these things happen for a reason & this may have been one of those times! As some of you may know I pride myself in my "I don't care what anyone thinks!" dress sense but when I bought my dream machine I felt that I owed it to the scooter to dress appropriately, this included a brand new unusual helmet! The choice of helmets was extensive, there were plain colours, loud colours, patterns, full faced, 'bucket head', retro style, all of them available in varying styles shapes & sizes! I spent days researching what make & style was gonna be best for me! Finally I chose the helmet for me, it was an open faced retro style helmet in beige & brown leather with tinted visor. It was unusual,.....it was me!!! It was this piece of clothing that was almost my downfall!
It had been sunny all day & this sunniness continued through into the early evening. With the sunny weather, (as rarely happens in England), came heat, it was shorts & T-shirt weather! As such I had decided to forgo the protective gear (bar the helmet....obviously) & allowed the wind to rush past my bare legs & arms. I was in a good mood & due to this I did something which I have never (& will never again) do, I used my iPod to blast some uplifting tunes for my journey home. A quick safety note, please under NO circumstances do as I have done, it is not only illegal but highly dangerous & I am not proud of my actions! With some tacky eighties tunes pumping in my ear, the wind rushing past me, I was in a very good mood & singing like I was at a karaoke bar! I was making good process & had just got to the top of the hill when suddenly I was aware of a small projectile heading towards me at speed. Before I knew what was happening the projectile was entering my mouth mid-song & starting to lodge itself firmly in the back of my throat! Now....if any of you have ever swallowed a fly or bug of some sort you will understand the fright & pain that I was feeling at that second, the fact that I was travelling at 40mph at the time went completely out of my mind. I was slightly preoccupied with the fundamentals of living ie breathing!
So, I was hurtling along gasping for air not paying attention to the road with my life flashing before my eyes! Suddenly my basic reflexes kicked in & I took a big swallow! I managed to dislodge the bug, but this did mean that I had to swallow it! Once the deed had been done I could breath again & my mind started to clear enough for me to realise I was once again gonna be experiencing the trials & tribulations of 'off roading' my my road scooter, this time however there were no trees to break my fall but plenty of dense scrub which was looking sharper & sharper as it got closer & closer! I applied the breaks in a feeble attempt to slow down & turned the wheel, trying to avoid the spiky bushes ahead. This worked,....sort of as I managed to reduce the number of bushes I had to go through to one......one large one that is!! Bits of branch & leaves were breaking off & attaching themselves to the bike, but I was ok & back on the road!
I headed for home, understandably dazed & with a horrible sickly feeling in my stomach! That night, when I was feeling a little better & was out with friends I consumed plenty of alcohol (to sanitise my insides obviously). I stumbled home from my sanitising session & as I walked through the gate I noticed that the branches were still attached to my bike. Suddenly it hit me, like a light being shone down on me, camouflage.......maybe this will give me an advantage in my on going battle with the ninja squirrels of Richmond Park!
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