The heavy artillary comes out to play!

Whether as a direct result of my previous encounters or not, I found myself trying to find alternative routes to & from work. I seemed reluctant,... even scared to try my luck travelling the short distance through what I was now regarding as 'no mans land'! The introduction of the woodland creatures 'air force' had brought a new, more vicious slant to the battle. This was however adding a considerable amount of time onto my journey & meant that I had to face the daunting task of trying to negotiate my way up, (what can only be described when on my 50cc scooter, as a mountain) Richmond Hill! I would have to ensure that I was travelling at my top speed before I hit the hill or I had no chance of making it to the top! Milk floats were shooting past me as if boosted by a substantial input of nitrous oxide or rocket fuel, ques would build up behind me of disgruntled office workers trying to work their way through rush hour traffic to their daily grind! It was getting embarrassing, there was nothing for it, I was gonna have to over come my fear & try again!

So, a couple of weeks later (well I did say that these encounters had shaken me!) on a frosty June morning I decided to bite the bullet & attempt the journey once more! Most of the night before I could not sleep, I kept tossing & turning unable to settle down, the vision of that squirrel staring at me with that evil smile kept haunting me. I woke early & tried hard to get myself ready for the task ahead. I wrapped myself up warm in several layers of clothing, partially to protect myself from the elements but also as protection if things got rough! I took the long walk to the road & my waiting steed, (by this point my scooter had ceased to be a mere vehicle & adopted a more comoradic stance), we were as ready as we would ever be! We made good progress, the lights were good to us,... as if they sensed the task we were facing. There was an eerie quietness in Kingston mixed with a light mist that was hanging in the air as we made our way through those looming iron gates which herald the entrance to Richmond Park.

The mist thickened with in the park which gave it a much more 'Hammer Horror' feel to it, I kept telling myself "its all coincidence, nothings gonna happen". I made my choice of route, one that would take me past the most amount of car parks (I figured that this way was likely to be the most populated at this time) put my head down & started to edge my way along as quietly as I could on an over sized hairdryer on wheels! As my journey continued I saw no evidence of life at all, no humans walking their dogs, no woodland creatures foraging for food, not even a bird singing in the morning mist. The silence was deafening! I made good progress & as I rounded the third corner I was starting to think that all was gonna be well, I just had to get over the hill & I was on the home straight. This did mean however that I had to pass by the largest bit of open land in the park & I knew that the grass here was thicker than usual, this coupled with the pea soup mist that was still lingering made for ideal hiding areas. As I came up on this area I started to hear tapping sounds, sounds not dis-similar to morse code, they were out there! I sped up feeling my heart thumping in my chest, & as I did this I saw two brown antlers slowly rise out of the grass like the silent periscope of a submarine. In a split second the antlers had been followed by what looked like a giant mutated stag of some kind (obviously this is not strictly the truth but writers license & all!). It bounded towards me at amazing speed & a head on collision was looking inevitable! I quickly applied my breaks & screeched to a halt, the stag did the same, by now it was no more than 10 feet away. We stared at each other for what seemed like hours, me too frightened to move & the stag daring me to try it! It edge forwards,...I edged back. It edge forwards again,... again I countered with an edge back! This was looking like a stand off! I tried turning off my engine, perhaps the noise I was making was disturbing its beauty sleep (& my god did he need it!), still no movement, it just stared straight at me with cold piercing eyes! There was no way round it, I made a quick assessment of the situation I was in & my options. I was in a stand off with a wild stag at least twice my weight, there was no one around, I was trapped. I could try sitting it out & waiting for the stag to get bored, but what if he didn't get bored? I'd be stuck here for ages! If he came rushing towards me I could turn & drive away fast,... but I was on my scooter &, as I have already discussed, it does not do hills well! There was nothing for it I was gonna have to try edging towards it, make a stand & maybe he would be so over come with the audacity of my actions that he would flee with his tail between his legs! Needless to say that this last attempt didn't work & I ended up having to walk the scooter to the top of the hill & finding another way round the park!

This was another serious blow, & as before, on looking back I saw the lone silhouette of a squirrel watching me! There was nothing else for it, I was gonna have to start involving tactics!

And so it continues!

After my initial encounter with the small & perfectly formed furry fighting machine, I remained sceptical at the intent of the attack. Perhaps it was my caring & trusting nature but I just did not think that these cute, cuddly animals could be anything but.....well, cute & cuddly! However, events were about to make me wonder if this were really true!

A few days after 'initial contact' I started noticing strange things happening around me! At first I took these strange goings on as coincidence but I soon came to realise what I was dealing with! It started with rustling in the bushes, the feeling that someone was watching me, I suddenly started to notice small woodland creatures sitting on the side of the road watching me as I went by! Rabbits would stop their foraging & sit up to watch what I was doing, deer would hide in the long grass with just their heads visible constantly observing everything! Now had I not had my previous encounter I would not have taken any notice of these, basically natural occurrences, & indeed I did not take any notice at the time but the events which occurred later on in the week would make me think back to the things I had seen!

The setting was similar to the 'initial contact', a quiet afternoon, nothing extraordinary in the trip so far, no reason for me to feel anything was about to happen! This time I had just entered the park from the Roehampton end & was heading towards the Kingston gate past the golf course, the road was clear & quiet. As I turned a particularly large bend I noticed 2 or 3 small shapes in the distance, as they were evidently not on the road there was no need for me to make any changes in my driving. I got round the bend & the shapes had disappeared. As I sped up I notice out of the corner of my eye a squirrel sitting on the side of the road on my right, now at this point you may start to doubt my story but all I can do is to swear to you this IS how events unfolded! The squirrel on my right started to run towards the road on a collision course with my scooter. To counter this I, as any good driver would, slowed down to allow the squirrel to cross without harm, at this point I noticed 2 more squirrels heading towards me this time from the left hand side of the road. The squirrel on the right altered its run to account for my slowing down & I was now heading for all out carnage with 3 kamikaze squirrels which looked intent on doing some damage. It was at this point that my advanced driving training kicked in & I managed to use a cunning little drop of the shoulder & hard on the accelerator to shimmy my way through the on coming attack! As I shot by these furry warriors I looked back to see all 3 sitting just off the road, watching me accelerate away! Good try you woodland fiends but you'll have to get up pretty early to get me, I thought!

Now, if years of watching Hollywood blockbusters have taught me anything its the fact that the person who gloats & doesn't pay attention to whats going on around them invariably gets 'knocked off' first! Hindsight is a wonderful thing but, as the nature of the word suggests, comes all too late! I wish I had learnt from my misspent youth as this attach turned out to have been a decoy & the real attack was to come from an altogether more worrying source!

All of a sudden I was aware of a rushing of wind past my head, a ruffling of feathers by my ear & a loud 'aaarrrrgghh' coming from above! I was being attacked from the sky by mysterious black foes intent on sending me off the road to my doom! The crows continued to attack, 2 of them diving at me & pulling up just at the last minute tapping my helmet with their beaks & feet! Now, if I was climbing a tree where there might have been a nest then this sort of behaviour may have been natural, if I had been standing too close to the birds food source then I still may have taken this as a case of protecting their domain but this was on the road with me moving! How could this be? The vicious attack continued for what seemed like minutes ( probably no more than a few seconds but my imagination is rife & I am a man!), but as quickly as it started so it ended & my assailants were gone!

I was shaken & made my way as quickly as I could to the exit & safety! As I got close to the gate I dared to look back & once again all I could see was a lone squirrel sitting in the road, an evil grin on its small furry face! The squirrels had involved the other woodland creatures in our war, the stakes had been raised, now it was personal!!

The story so far!

So, for those of you who do not know me or have not heard my rantings before, a brief run down of the plight I have been facing daily for months now!

It all started, as most things do, suddenly & without warning on a quiet day in May. It was my 30th birthday & I woke up to a normal, sunny (I know its hard to believe but we did have some sun this summer!) day! Little did I know that the events of that day were to change my life in ways which could only have been thought of in those James Bond novels or in the minds of those people that thought up characters like, The X-Men, Fantastic 4, Danger Mouse or Batfink!

I was slightly apprehensive of the day as, like most people, I was suffering from the stigma that 30 brings with it! I had taken the day off so as not to leave myself in the firing line at work & so surfaced a little later than usual. Now for those of you who know me you'll know that I enjoy my job for many reasons, of which the pay is most definitely NOT one of them, and like many men of my age I was going through what can only be described as an 'early mid-life' crisis! Now usually when this happens the man in question will invariably go out, buy an expensive sports car, meet a girl half his age & make a complete fool of himself! This is exactly what I felt like doing but, (as my bank balance is considerably smaller than I would like) my 'extravagance' was to go out & get myself what I have always wanted,....... a Vespa scooter to run around on!

The scooter in question was modest,....it was bright red in colour & sounded like an over sized hairdryer! But it was mine & made me feel younger than my years, & so the desired effect was obtained (at a fraction of the cost might I add!). The purchase of the mean machine would signal the end to my daily routine of getting up at 5.45am to catch the 6am train, dragging my sorry half asleep frame from train to tube to 2nd tube. No more fighting for a seat on an overcrowded 'cattle transport' trying not to inhale the over powering pong of the business ladies perfume to my right or the unbearable stench of the students bodily odour on my left! No more snotty looks from the 'older' lady that had just got on the tube for not giving up the seat I had waited almost the whole of my journey to obtain! This was gonna be fab!!! Little did I realise!!!!!!!

My journey would take me from my little village just outside London to Hammersmith & work. This would mean that I would have to travel through Richmond Park twice a day & its here where my problems begin!

Now I feel I must add a small note here about my character! I am a happy person, very rarely do I have a problem with anyone or anything that I meet. I work for the NHS with very sick people & so feel that I have a caring nature. I have grown up with many pets, dogs, cats, goldfish,....even a goat & one of my early jobs was working at Chessington Zoo! I urge you to take this into consideration when you read through the rest of my rants as it may not be that obvious that this is the way I am!

It all started one summers evening, there was the smell of a storm in the air but the sun had been out all day & was slowly sinking into the horizon. The atmosphere was 'close' but this I took to be an effect of the impending down pour or the hard day at work which I had just endured! The journey had been uneventful so far, very little traffic, green lights all the way & no hold ups behind the elderly lady that can barely see over the steering wheel. All this was about to change! I was making good progress through the park, (travelling at the speed limit as usual) I had just managed to negotiate getting to the top of the biggest hill in the park & was heading for the downhill section when, & without warning may I add, a squirrel jumped out from its hiding place in the bushes & faced up to me! Now if any of you have ever been on a 50cc scooter you will know that these machines were not built for immense speeds, in fact the top speed (on the flat) is a tentative 40mph!I'm not sure if it was solely this issue or the fact that, when you face death life slows down & you can see things more clearly but I swear that it was as if someone had frozen time! Every thing around me was extra clear & I had time to look around & take in every aspect of the situation. In these few seconds of clarity, when I had looked around me & taken stock of what was going on my eyes were drawn straight ahead of me & the assailant which had put me in this situation. As our eyes connected I must admit that I felt a fear go through me which I have never felt before! This was no ordinary squirrel, there was a fire in its eyes which was not natural! I swerved violently to miss the little bundle of fur before me, my speed was increasing (I was going downhill at the time), the edge of the road was quickly coming up on me & I had no time to take evasive actions.....there was nothing for it, I was gonna have to go 'off road'! The grass was very uneven & there was forest debris every where, "this is gonna hurt" was going through my head (when these life or death situations happen reality gets altered slightly so the speed aspect did go right out of my head) & I was heading straight for a tree!!!!! Luckily for me, a fallen branch slowed me down & the impact was.....well.....pathetic! However, the branch had already done its damage & my tyre was as flat as a pancake! Whilst I was trying to pull myself together I looked back up towards where I had come off the road & there it was, the evil squirrel sitting bolt upright in the middle of the road as if nothing had happened. One vision will stick with me for along time to come, & that was the evil grin on that squirrel's face!! And here is where it all began!!

From here on things get personal! The squirrels had one this battle & I had the feeling many more where to come!